Closure.

"Write hard and clear about what hurts."
-Ernest Hemingway

Divorce is such an ugly word. I never thought I would be a product of it. But here I am, six years later, divorced at 25 with two kids. Not exactly where I thought life would be for me at this point.

It took a long time- a LONG time- to accept it. To stop blaming each other, to stop hurting each other, to get past the anger and the bullshit and the fighting. Eventually, though, we did. That isn't to say that there aren't times where we get irritated with each other and snap at one another via texts or a comment or two under our breaths. But for the most part, we're okay.

We've both moved on. I'm with someone now that makes me realize exactly why it never worked with Tyler, and he seems to be really happy, too. It's nice to be in a good, mentally healthy place about it and know that we are both happy.

I wrote him an email a few weeks ago, and I just wanted to share it.

Hey,
Just wanted to tell you again how thankful I am for you. I know I sound like a broken record, but I just have grown a lot lately and I want you to really know how I feel. Sometimes I suck with words (you know this), so I thought it would be easier for me to tell you via email.
Although the thought of "us" and "the Bryan family" still stings a little, I've come to accept it for what it was. You are an incredible man, Tyler, and I was lucky to grow up and grow into an adult with you by my side every step of the way. You taught me most of the things my dad should have, and I know that sounds a little odd, but I mean it in a loving way. You took care of me, you taught me things, and then you gave me two beautiful children. And not only are you a good dad who comes to the games, you are a great dad who wants to coach. I will always love you for that. I will always consider you a part of my family; hell, you are my family. I feel blessed that I had you by my side when I entered something as life changing as parenthood, along with all the other things we achieved together, if only for a while.
I'll always cherish those nights in the house at Acworth and how safe you made me feel. I will never settle for less than a man's character if he doesn't match yours. I know that, at least, I did that part right with you. You are a good man, Tyler Bryan.
I hope you find happiness with someone new, be it Brittany or someone in the future. I hope she appreciates your love for Jim Morrison. I hope she makes amazing spaghetti and can cook a mean hamburger. I hope that every time you see her, you realize why our lives turned out like this. I hope your heart never stops fluttering when you think of her, and you never get in a routine or feel bored. I hope you find someone who knows all the words to your favorite RHCP and Slightly Stoopid songs, and will laugh at how cute you are when you sing along to Rehab. I hope she appreciates how good you look and all the work you put into your body. I hope she sees your scars as beauty marks that have shaped you into the incredible man that you are today.
I will always love your memory, and I will always love you with the piece of my heart that you own.

-Lindsey

How do you like your eggs?

Remember that part on Runaway Bride where Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts how she really liked her eggs, because she ordered them differently depending on who she was with?

It's taken me a good amount of time to figure out how I really like my own eggs. I  honestly didn't know.

For the longest time I wouldn't even eat eggs, because my ex-husband liked his over-medium and so did my kids, but the thought of that runny yolk was gross to me. I never bothered going out of the way to make an egg for myself; I usually either ate a bowl of cereal or waited until lunch.

Anyway.

I stumbled upon a recipe that I've actually found I really like. (Ironically, it comes from an ex-boyfriend who used to make me breakfast on the reg.) Either way, I genuinely like my eggs scrambled, fluffy, with Sargento cheddar cheese in them. #delicious

I'm adding that to the list of things I'm discovering about myself. This journey has been intense so far, and I finally decided to start writing about it.

Pretty Rave Girl

I swayed with the music, pretending not to listen to the conversation I was hearing.

"Hey man, is that your girlfriend?"

I felt him look at me and I pretended to be in a trance with the beat, my eyes closed. Then I heard him smile when he answered,

"That's my pretty rave girl."